Monday, 11 October 2010

je suis un funky homme


yesterday we did a house Otley Run (N.B. "the house" refers henceforth to myself and my six house mates.) for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, the Otley Run is a legendary Leeds pub crawl of which several variations exist. from what I've gathered, the full blown version involves travelling from Otley, a village just outside Leeds, into Leeds proper, and features around 28 pubs. the version we (and most sane people) undertook, however, was slightly toned down.

we planned to hit 16 or 17 pubs, but in the end managed 11.5. how do you visit .5 of a pub, I hear you ask? well, 2 house mates went to one pub, bought a pint, and snuck it into the next pub on the run, where the rest of us were.

the first few pubs were fairly standard - a pint in each, the usual amount of banter, gradually becoming more inebriated. after pub #3 we split into 2 groups to tackle #4, because they have a "no Otley Runner" policy. the fact we weren't in fancy dress probably helped as well, as we managed to get in. my pint here was of liquorice stout, which tasted like hot dogs combined with ass.

in pub #6 someone said to me "wow, your hair's real. that's unfortunate", to which I retorted "fuck off". probably not the best thing to utter in a pub, but luckily I avoided being punched.

Emily, the only female in the house, was drinking more than all 6 guys (not combined), and this started to take effect around pub #8. discussions at this point of the run were also turning to topics which would otherwise probably not have been allowed. one of the topics of conversation was whether certain more advanced forms of sexual intercourse are acceptable.

after a long walk between pubs and the first food break (chips and gravy), things started to get a bit more "real". (remember that we started at pub #1 at 1430 hours, so by the time it was dark, we were already in pub #7 or #8.) Emily was talking to strangers, Kristian had found a colourful cuddly animal and inserted it into his underpants. a fellow Otley Runner had written "dick" on one of my forearms and "head" on the other, so when I held them above each other it said "dick head". genius. the same fellow also wrote "cunt" and "wank" on Emily's knuckles.

in pub #9, Tom had a long debate with a member of the Socialist party who were using the upstairs room for propaganda purposes. he proceeded to highlight the other guy's lack of knowledge RE Trotsky-ism, and we left in a smug fug.

pub #10 had a jukebox, which sparked localised dancing. localised around us - everyone else in the place was looking on in mild disbelief as we bounced and bopped around to such songs as "Let It Be", "Go Your Own Way", and various Green Day hits. a group of Asian girls were sitting watching us and managed to refuse at least 3 separate invitations to join us.


pub #11 was actually the university union, and although we planned to move on, it was the final stop on our modified Otley Run. Emily wasn't feeling very well and spent quite a lot of the time here sleeping. George, as the mature member of the party, was making sure Emily was ok, whilst Kristian and I (at first) tore up the dance floor, later to be joined by Alex and Chris C.

I'm really not sure how it happens - most of the time at clubs I stand at the edge, shaking about a bit, generally doing the "shuffling haddock", as I saw it referred to once. but once or twice, on special occasions, all my inhibitions seem to disappear and I bust out some of the sickest moves ever. yesterday for example we found a plastic golf club on the way 'round, and danced around each other in a surprisingly co-ordinated fashion spanking each other with it. we also did a worringly high amount of grinding, thrusting and leaping around throwing our arms all over the place.

can you imagine anything more cool?

people were taking pictures of us dance, and pointed as we left.

and I still can't decide whether they were laughing with us or at us..?

we decided we'd carried on for a bit too long, because at the last dance, people weren't rushing up to the floor to join us as had happened previously. instead they were sitting down looking anywhere but where we were. lol.

the walk home was spent topless, and discussing how awesome we were.

pizza was then purchased, and eaten whilst watching Wayne's World.

has there ever been a more epic evening?

P.S. please excuse me if I used N.B. incorrectly.


  1. Sounds like an amazing night out! Ü
    It's so sad that you missed both amazing Toronto Pub Crawls, you would have enjoyed them as well.

  2. yeah they sounded pretty fun! at least we get to do one on Saturday though :D

  3. Hot dogs and ass? I'm unfamiliar... :P
    Also, what's wrong with your hair??

  4. nothing's wrong with my hair, but there was something wrong with the guy I think. namely, he was a bit of a prick!

    yeah it was an educated guess, I can't actually confirm what that particular combo tastes like!